Seattle is expected to go into lockdown this weekend, as fears grow that a gang of rogue leprechauns is on the loose and attacking locals. Police were called to reports of a street fight last Saturday. When they arrived they saw a number of people run from the scene, before finding a man "covered in blood and holding his head and screaming in pain". When asked what had happened to him, the distressed victim said "It was a bunch of leprechauns." The diminutive Irish expatriates had allegedly become enraged because the man was dancing with a girl. The victim was unable to provide any further distinguishing information about the violent gang, except that one of them was wearing "a white tank top".
After delivering this vital piece of information, the victim was taken to Harborview medical centre with "multiple head injuries and cuts and bruises on his face, back, knuckles and elbows". The story has now gone viral, putting the fear of God into Seattle, and quite possibly holding up development on Windows 8. However, it is entirely possible that the case is entirely one of mistaken identity, and El Reg thinks it can point out the real culprits. Consider the evidence. First of all, leprechauns are supposed to be solitary creatures, wearing beards, hats and coats. Secondly, unlike their larger countrymen they are not renowned for traveling, preferring to stay close to their cobbling clientele and mythical crocks of gold, typically located somewhere in Ireland. The Seattle victim in question was assaulted by a gang, at least one of whom was wearing a white tank top. And, as for motive, the gang was enraged when the victim danced with a certain girl.